A Story About A Song
First of all, I am no saint. I have lots of problems. As the old prayer goes; “I am a loaf. I am an idiot. I am an asshole.” I might write some things here that you could take as suggesting I am special. I'm not. Well, not any more than my neighbor. I was simply in a place at a time and did a thing.
The book is special, not me.
I'd like to start at the beginning, but I'm not at all clear when that was. We could start with the Rig Veda some thousands of years ago, or maybe with the I-Ching, or with my birth, or with the Worm Moon ritual we performed about a decade ago. There is a lot that could be said and a lot that will be passed over.
Let's start with the Feast.
First, there was Zia (Zii-catcherism), then we made a tarot deck about it, and then Quasi introduced a new ritual called the Lunatic Feast. This ritual quickly became the dominant feature of the Temple. The important part to know is that the feast is devotional, or a form of penance. As with any penance, there is the possibility of being granted a boon, although one should never engage in penance as a bribe. So it was with me. After practicing the ritual for a substantial time (some years) I was moved to request a boon.
I asked for a Zii-catcherist scripture. A new revelation for the weirdos, the outcasts, the marginalized. A new bible for my tribe, the disenchanted middle-American youth, because the scriptures of our parents said nearly nothing that related to me.
And I think that's where it really began.
So, not being one to wait for God (or in this case, Gerald) to do it for me, I began studying. I was already no stranger to the secrets of the mystics. Note the deck we had already made, for example. So I got to work, pulled out all the old books (Yep, that one. Yep, that one, too. Probably that other, as well.) and started taking notes. Before long my room looked like a conspiracy theorist's out of some crap movie. Graphs and yarn and push pins and strange symbols everywhere. In the end, however, none of that was included in what you now see (although it was in the BoF). Because I had a dream.
I won't relate the details of the dream, but I will share a few highlights. I was there with several personages from the Zii-catcherist mythos and we were to raid a temple. The target was their prayer book. Stefan (whose name you may recognize) was to provide the protective and empowering sigils that would ensure our success. These sigils were drawn from a remote location and through an unknown mechanism engulfed us and the temple we were to raid. The drawn images bound the contrary demons guarding the temple and their prayers. We were successful and the prayers were in hand. I read them.
When I woke I had a perfect, burning memory of the text of those prayers. I quickly wrote them down, and they are included in Tuesday's Song. Everything is, actually. I had not been awake for more than a few minutes when Stefan knocked on the door. Let me be clear: he lived on the other side of the country at that time and in no way was I expecting him. I explained the situation and told him he was to remain locked in my basement until this thing was resolved.
Over the next few days, he drew while I wrote. This was the inception of The Book of Fluff, which would become an annual newsletter for the Temple. It ran for many years and I thought that was the fulfillment of my boon. Nothing is ever that easy. I've noticed my boons are more like burdens.
By 1997 (the year our world ended. Coincidence?) Stefan had completed the Lunatic Deck, a visual representation of the lunar astrology presented in the Book of Fluff. I could go on about that, but it is really Stefan's work/boon/burden. What I can say is that this deck is the sigil from my dream, almost without a doubt.
Around that same time, I had another... experience. I was at a friend's house, out on their back porch. It was night-time and I could hear someone singing softly in the distance. An idea formed in my mind and it quickly grew until it was fully visible as an overlay to the existing scene. As in, it was temporally blocking my vision. I'd like to describe it but it defies an easy expression. It was like a feedback loop, or seismograph readout, or like ripples in a pond. I did finally find a way to express it. It's in the book, of course. As best I can say in simple descriptive terms, I was seeing 'becoming' in divine space. Don't over-read that last sentence. If it were really that easy to say, I would have just said that in the first place. I thought about it and wrote about it and finally felt that I had said it.
And that was that. For years.
I was still practicing the Feast. We used the cards for rituals or divination. I suppose people read the Book of Fluff. Maybe even a few people understood what I was getting at. Cool.
Perhaps it was my discovery of the ancient Vedic Soma that started the new penance. I think that was it. I had been studying the practice in relation to our own Lunatic Feast. There is a lot of interesting information in that but it isn't relevant to this story, so we will save that for another time. The point is that this led me to adopt a morning ritual involving Soma, yoga, mantras, etc... Not having a proper guru, I was frustrated at deciding on a mantra. Remember that first boon? None of what I had spoke to who I was. I needed something new. And that's how I came to realize my boon/burden was not complete. The focus of my practice moved to understand what this new prayer might be. It culminated in a ritual out in Soma country in the middle of the desert. The Worm Moon Feast.
After over a year of daily practice, I was compelled (nearly forced) to destroy my altar and abandon all penance. To be clear, I was not lost or disillusioned. I was in the loving embrace of our sacred Mother Darkness. I couldn't see the forest for the tress. It all had to die.
That's when I saw it. It became crystal clear that I already had my mantra, or at least knew how to find it. The new scripture, the dream, the Book of Fluff, the cards, the inter-dimensional-seismic-feedback, the Soma, they were all pieces of the puzzle. I started to organize the ideas into a single piece and immediately found that they are, in fact, one thing. The new prayer had been revealed to me but it was up to me to decode it. It took nearly ten years to fully digest what was being asked of me. Weeks of meditation and research turned into months, turned into years, but it was all coming together.
It is extremely challenging to describe what I mean. If I could just say, “This is the thing,” there would be no book. It doesn't help that much of the content was revealed. I'm still not sure I understand it, even as I am certain I expressed it correctly. I was handed the formula and performed the calculations. As Stefan will tell you of the cards, I made every effort to remove myself from the work. It's not what I had to say at all. It is the clearest expression I could manage of what I was shown.
Which leaves me in a strange place. Frankly, I'm not certain about how to proceed. I do know that I need to ensure it is preserved and shared. How to do that is another question. So I started this business and printed a bunch of copies. We are selling them. Feels a little weird trying to make a profit, but I mortgaged my life to get this far and need to look after my wards, after all. Again, I'm no saint. I'm just a guy trying to do my best.
It's a little thing. The song is only 48 verses, with a few extra lines here and there, but it is more than I can say. It is so complex that I cannot entertain the entirety in my mind's eye. I have to approach it in pieces. This, even after I wrote it and have since read it many times. And yet, it is simple and clear. 48 short verses. Four friends discuss their lives. A bit of poetry.
I really hope you enjoy it, not just because I want you to know it, but because I want to know it will perpetuate. So consider buying a copy. Play with it. Share it with your friends. Talk about it. Let it be known.
Find it here.